The Prime Says...

"A modest man, who has much to be modest about."
--Winston Churchill,
making a prescient assessment of D.I. Prime

For the last couple of weeks Tubley has been telling me that I need to update The Prime Says more frequently. Normally I would dismiss his comments with no further consideration. After all, what value could they possibly have? He's my younger brother. What chance does he have of making a meritorious remark? He doesn't have the benefit of years of hard won experience. He doesn't possess the sage counsel of an elder sibling. He's just a whiny, punk, kid brother. But, just this once, as an experiment, I decided to weigh his words.

Perhaps he has a point. It has been well over a month since the last edition. That's a severe stint of slothfulness. Perhaps I should spend less time accumulating material, threshing out chaff and carefully crafting commentary. Perhaps I should blurt blurbs of random spewage once a week as a concession to the contingent who crave quantity. That would make the column less arduous to write and less tiresome to read: a win-win situation.

Nah... that wouldn't be me. Nonetheless, I will succumb to making the ubiquitous web promise of more regular updates. I anticipate that I will be as successful in that endeavor as most sites that make that promise, but there you have it. I'm on the record (without Greta Van Susteren) promising more frequent updates. Foolish mortal! At least I didn't put my new year's resolutions on-line enabling all to witness inevitable my failure. Oh wait... oops.

Now that we have that bit of business behind us I present for your edification, entertainment and e-musement, this month's mammoth edition of The Prime Says.

DI.com News

Since the last edition of The Prime Says, my theme song for the WOLV show "Wolverine Spotlight" has been broadcast to the greater Ann Arbor area on Comcast cable's channel 22. Technically, the air date of the first broadcast was March 6th, prior to the March 13th edition, but I didn't find out about it until afterward.

By now, attentive readers should have noticed that the navigation bars on the top and side of the page have changed. Speaking of navigation bars, please note that you can retrieve the previous issues of The Prime Says by clicking on the dates of the back issues on the left side of the page. Also, the photo gallery has been revised and expanded.

My fortune was foretold by Tarot on Tuesday. The vaticinator claimed that the cards ordered me to lock myself in the studio this summer and churn out music. This goes to show that the secret of good fortune telling is telling people what they want to hear. Cassandra would have told me that I have no talent, no one wants to hear my music and I should stop wasting my time. No one would believe that though.

As previously reported, I've been in negotiations to collaborate with 1108 Thugz. I'm happy to announce that as of Wednesday, April 24th, 2002, these negotiations have borne fruit. The Thugz (Busta Pelvis & Puss E. Beatz) and I joined forces in Beatz's studio to record an epic length song. Tubley even got a few words in on it. Beatz is still doing some post-production work but the track should be available on the Thugz's site and here on droolingidiots.com in the near future.

For those of you keeping score at home, this fulfills one of my new year's resolutions: to collaborate with other artists. It also moves me one step closer toward my goal of writing and/or recording 12 songs this year.

Didn't we just blow by this birthday business in the last edition? Sigh. If I ever put together another band I'm going to require that all of the members have the same birthday so that we can take care of this stuff once a year and be done with it.

Those of you who keep up with such matters know that we have a bountiful bonanza of birthday bulletins to bombard your brain with this month. Two Drooling Idiots founders note the anniversary of their births in April: Grindef & Charlé.

We at droolingidiots.com wish the two oldest members (huh huh huh) of Drooling Idiots splendid, albeit belated, birthdays. We also raise our chocolate milkshakes in salute to the nuptials of Grindef & his Brooklyn Babe.

In a bit of sad news, I'm obliged to report that I've lost my groupie. Not in a Bo Peep nor deep six manner, but we've parted ways nonetheless. My unwillingness to upgrade her status from "groupie" to "girlfriend" was the impetus for the break up. She may not have been girlfriend material, but she was pretty cool and we lost a few points together. I salute the ex-groupie and bid her a fond farewell.

By the way, if you ever have the opportunity to get a groupie of your own, I whole-heartedly recommend it. Even though things didn't wind up "happily ever after," it was worth the journey as far as I'm concerned. What's not to like about a slavish and obsequious 4:30am booty call? (Although, truth be told, my groupie was somewhat wanting in the "slavish and obsequious" department.)

This also means that the position of "D.I. Prime's groupie" is open. If you think you're qualified, hit me up with a curriculum vitae. Photos of yourself in compromising positions wearing diaphanous undergarments, while not required, may lubricate and expedite the process.

April 14th witnessed the final episode of the first season of "Rasslin' Roundup." For those of you not familiar with literary devices, that's an example of anthropomorphism. In reality, only humans can witness things and the ascription of such an ability to an arbitrary 24 hour span of time (denoted on the Gregorian calendar as April 14th, 2002 CE in this example) is the aforementioned anthropomorphism. Remember, The Prime Says isn't your run-of-the-mill Internet ranting. This is quality literature; we gots anthropomorphism. Next time: foreshadowing.

(Wait... if I'm telling you that we're doing foreshadowing next time, doesn't that mean I'm doing foreshadowing this time? Wow! Foreshadowing, anthropomorphism and conundrums all in one edition. You're getting the bonus treatment!)

As I was saying, we shot the fifth and final episode of the first season of "Rasslin' Roundup" on April 14th. It wasn't what you might call quality TV but, mark my words, when Drooling Idiots blows up and becomes world famous, episodes of "Rasslin' Roundup" will be among the hottest tapes on the bootleg circuit. They're already highly sought by World Wrestling Federation Entertainment intellectual property infringement attorneys.

I'd like to give a shout out to our director (Tyler), our audio man (Karandeep), our stage manager (Kate), our advisor (Lucien), and my co-hosts (Scott and Tubley, a.k.a. "Wiggity" & "Sir Flex-a-lot") for all their work on the show.

By the way, for those of you unfamiliar with wrestling, what you see pictured above is not a new, ultra-athletic position for oral sex. It's a variation of a maneuver called a "piledriver," as performed by wrestling superstars such as Jerry "The King" Lawler.

While I've got the WWE on my mind, I'd like talk about my photograph.

Why are people so fascinated with my photo? People come up to me and ask "why isn't there a picture of you on DI.com?" These are people that see me on a semi-regular basis. What use could they possibly have for my photo? Unless they've recently acquired that "Memento" affliction and, after years of knowing me, suddenly need a photo to remind themselves who I am, I don't get it. Besides, there is a photo of me on this site. I'm in the photo gallery with the other Drooling Idiots.

Which brings us back to wrestling. Tubley, myself and a long-time Drooling Idiots fan went to Wrestlemania X8 in Toronto last month. If you wonder what it's like to be amid 67,000 pumped up, screaming wrestling fans, let me assure that you it's not nearly so bad you might think. The energy was spectacular and I heard Wrestlemania was pretty good. If you actually saw Wrestlemania, let me know if it was as good as it sounded. Tubley and I couldn't see a damn thing from our seats. However, for you photo fans, you can see a few nice pictures of Tubley from WM X8 posted in the photo gallery.

As long as I'm talking about the WWE... What the hell was Vince McMahon thinking? Making Triple-H job the undisputed championship belt to Hulk Hogan? HULK HOGAN? Why, Vince, why? Yes, Hogan's a legend in the business. Yes, he helped make wrestling the entertainment juggernaut that it became in the 80's. But that was the 80's - that was over 10 years ago. Hogan is a tired, old man recycling the same tired, old gimmick that was overexposed and run into the ground 18 years ago. He's an immobile, geriatric, no-selling, backstage-backstabbing jabroni. If this is just a last hurrah and a final victory tour with the belt, fine, but get it over with and get him out of the ring.

Sorry. It'll be months before "Rasslin' Roundup" returns to the air and I had to get that off of my chest.

Remember when a band's web site used to be about music? Are digressions about wrestling, cable-access and birthdays your pet peeve? Agonize no longer, I'll write about music. It just won't be my music.

On April 11th, I had the pleasure of seeing George Clinton & The P-Funk All Stars in concert. As usual, they tore the roof off the sucker. Or, as the youngsters say, it was "off the hook." (A real youngster would say "off da hook," but bear with me. I'm old and have editorial standards. Low standards, perhaps, but standards nonetheless.) As it was a Thursday night at a venue with a curfew, they only played a 3 hour show. If you ever get the chance, see P-Funk on a Saturday night at a decent venue where you can expect to get a full, 5 hour dose of funk. As great as the 3 hours were, "Maggot Brain", "Dogstar", "Red Hot Mama", "Mothership Connection" and "One Nation Under A Groove" were sorely missed.

For those of you unfamiliar with the P-Funk legacy, I probably can't do it justice textually. All I can tell you is that if you care for funky music in any way, shape or form, you must explore the work of Parliament and Funkadelic. In the funk genre, they aren't the only game in town but they are the most dominant dynasty. To misquote Triple-H, "they are the funk and they are that damn good."

If I had the talent to pull it off, you would hear a huge P-Funk influence in D.I. music.

And that's that. I've abused alliterations aplenty this month. I need professional help. While I'm plotting the next edition, I'm hoping to allay my ailment and ameliorate my addiction by attending Alliteraters Anonymous. Maybe AA can alleviate my affliction. (Aargh! It never ends...)

You are the weakest link,
D.I. Prime
Friday, April 26th, 2002