The Prime Says...

Why don't people use the word paravalent? A nifty word like that should be prevalent in the palaver of the populace but searches in Google, Yahoo, AltaVista, Lycos, and MSN turned up nothing. "Nothing, nothing!" As Lady Chatterly might declaim. Not one single solitary use was found on the entire world wide web! Not to be deterred, I checked eight different dictionaries and had no better luck than with the search engines. What's wrong with people?

If you're thinking that this is some sort of demented way to announce the winner of the word-coinage contest, you're wrong. No one entered that. I am sincerely lamentating the under-utilization of paravalent.

A few months ago, I was browsing through a book called "Million Dollar Words" by Seth Godin and Margery Mandell. It's out of print now but you've undoubtedly seen similar "build your vocabulary and speak condescendingly to get ahead" tomes. One of the "1000 Words To Make You Sound Like A Million Bucks" was paravalent. According to Godin and Mandell, it means "sexually potent only in unusual circumstances" or, for those who have trouble comprehending that, Godin and Mandell go on to explain that it's "a fancy word for kinky."

Although I take issue with equating kinky and being potent only in unusual circumstances - which would more appropriately be termed fetishistic or exophilic - I was quite taken with the word. Imagine my disappointment when I found out that the rest of the world has yet to embrace it.

Admittedly, it's an odd word. It's a Greek and Latin hybrid coming from the Greek para (meaning beside) and the Latin valere (meaning to be strong). Most dictionaries prefer the word paraphilic which boasts a pure Greek heritage and means the same thing. While I harbor no ill will towards paraphilic - it's a fine word and worthy of inclusion in dictionaries - I want to see paravalent listed alongside it. (perhaps separated by parascopism, but you know what I mean)

To that end, I encourage you to start using the word paravalent in speech, writing and thought where you had previously used the word kinky. Dictionary editors usually insist that a word attain a high level of common usage before inclusion, but it's difficult to encourage the use of a (non-slang) word that can't be found in dictionaries. It's a Catch-22. (A term present in the American Heritage dictionary yet absent from the Oxford English Dictionary.) However, if my grass roots campaign is successful and enough people proffer their paravalent pastimes for public consumption then eventually the dictionaries will have to acknowledge this wondrous word.

New Shit!

How many times have you heard Jay-Z exclaim "New shit!" at the beginning of a song? It seems like almost every new single and/or remix gets that declaration in its exordium. Granted, J-Hova likely only said it once and it's been propogated via sampling. Still, everyone wants to cash in on the successful formula of having Jigga deliver the affirmation feces freshness on their record. What does that say about the herd mentality of pop music (and let's face it, hip hop is pop music these days)? Is it just me, or does starting your song in that manner make it the very definition of "disposable pop"? Let's face it, after the next single drops all of the previous songs that claimed to be "new shit" are obsolete, aren't they? How can you take a 2002 vintage track that claims to be "new shit" seriously now that it's 2003? It doesn't bode well for longevity in the music business.

In any event, it's time to announce that new shit has been posted to DI.com, and not just this edition of The Prime Says either. Two new WOLV Works have been posted: "Turn Me On" and "Vociferous Viking". You won't actually hear the phrase "new shit" in either of them because 1) it's played out and 2) they are intended for broadcast on WOLV-TV and their censors a little queasy about feculent language.

"Turn Me On" was accepted as the theme song for the WOLV show "Turned On," a call-in show about sex. "Vociferous Viking" is a goofy piece of schlock that is intended to introduce the "Vociferous Viking" (appropriately enough) segment of the WOLV show "Rasslin' Roundup." Speaking of which...

Rasslin' Roundup

It's baaaack! The slammingest show on WOLV is back for season two! Unfortunately, Scott "Wiggety" Warheit has left the show due to other demands on his time but Tubley and I are soldiering on with Dan "The Animal" Sheill. Two episodes are in the can and number three is coming up.

If you live in a University of Michigan residence hall, you can see the show on channel 70 at 12:30am on Monday and 11pm on Friday. If you don't live in a U of M dormitory you're out of luck. You'll have to buy a bootleg on the black market in a few years after I become an internationally recognized superstar and people try to cash in on my fame.

New Year's

I won't waste a lot of space on this but I'd like to follow up on a previous rant. I toasted in the new year with a chocolate milkshake made from Stucchi's Texas Tea ice cream, just as I'd hoped. It's unfathomable that any glass of champagne (even from one of those multi-thousand dollar bottles) could be better than that milkshake. That's how a new year ought to begin.

Limerick

Blowing across a thin bottle of glass
Makes a high note as the air rushes past
If you'd stop your kvetching
I could finish the stretching
And get a low D from your ass

Haiku

Delicate rosebud
Sweet by any alias
Destined for plucking

And that's another edition in the books. Have a lovely Valentine's Day profuse with paravalent pleasures.

Cheers,
D.I. Prime
Friday, February 14, 2003