"It's Always Convenient To Have A Girlfriend"

by Tubley

Remember your first car? It didn't matter how much mileage the previous owner put on it, how beat up the exterior looked, how bumpy the ride was, or whether the carpet was moldy. All that mattered was that you owned it and you could show it off to your friends.

Most girlfriends are like that car, without the sweet nostalgia and resale value. Sure, there are some women for whom you'd actually turn down the TV in order to hear the continuous spew of blather issuing from their mouths, but those women are few and far between. Most relationships are merely stop-gaps in the dam of your psyche which leak insecurity and loneliness.

You can't always be with the one you want so, for those long periods (sometimes ridiculously long periods), be with the one who wants you. She may not be pretty, smart or free from malodorous emanations but she'll be your ugly, stupid, smelly girlfriend. All yours. C'mon, you know the type of girl: You don't want to waste your Saturday night with her but come Tuesday when everybody else is at the library studying and you realize that it's been way too long since you've gotten a piece you'll dial her up.

There are those who will say you are using another human being solely for your own gratification. Their accusations insinuate that this type of behavior is selfish, immoral, and damn cruel. It is, but looking at this issue in terms of right and wrong is myopic. Look at the big picture: which is more likely to get you laid? Why take the moral high ground and waste your entire evening arguing with your two engineering roommates about who would win in a fight between Spock and Worf (Worf doesn't stand a chance in my opinion) when you would only have to waste 3/4 of an evening with a girl talking about whatever it is girls talk about until you hit paydirt?

You can't always get what you want (read: head from the ethereal sorority girl in the middle of the dance floor performing perfunctory gluteal gyrations on two frat guys), but if you try sometimes, you might find, you can get what you need (read: a lacerating handjob from the large, insecure, half-conscious girl in the corner).

Some say that if you don't LOVE a girl then you shouldn't date her because you are settling. There is a common misconception here: Dating a girl you don't care about isn't settling if it's all you can get. You have no game, average looks, and little intelligence if you are still hoping that the blonde bombshell in your calculus class to talk to you about anything besides the answer to problem 7 on page 256 of the textbook. The tarot cards say there are no hot girls in your future but they do hint at many meaningless relationships with girls possessing mannerisms that are about as tolerable as fingernails on a blackboard. Each time she gazes into your eyes, curls her furry upper lip over her yellow teeth in a crooked, quixotic grin and asks "What should we do tonight?" you will have to keep the sea of resentment in your heart from roiling into a cataclysmic tsunami of hate and NOT say "Hey, you know what would go with that sweater? A PAPER BAG OVER YOUR HEAD!"

Try to keep your volatile vat of vengefulness in check by hooking up frequently. this will curb the feelings of umbrage for a minute. (And let's face it, if you were good for more than a minute word would have gotten out by now and you wouldn't be in this predicament.)

Of course, you could choose to be alone but then how will the unsightly girls get boyfriends? Gruesome girls have it bad enough. You needn't do them any more disservices. Don't be a prick - hideous honeys need affection too, no matter how insincere. Know your role, serve your purpose, and hook up with nasty chicks. It's your duty.